Be Good to Yourself
Congrats to us! We made it through another year. I, for one, have had a crazy few years, but overall, I’m still feeling optimistic. “Have I lost my optimism?” is a gut check question I ask myself to make sure I am still calibrated in a way that reflects my values. If I’m not optimistic, if hope is absent– I know I need to dig deeper, introspect, pray, and seek wise council. I share this with you because in my line of work, I encounter individuals and systems that cause people harm.
Most of the time, people are not hurting each other on purpose–rather it is a failure of the individual to take responsibility for their own interpersonal growth. Some people endure the pain of growing up and stop seeking to learn (or learn the hard way) and grow as was a mandatory, inherent rite of passage of time from childhood to adulthood. Many of the lessons we need to learn to survive and expand happen in the context of relationships. We learn from the roles we play and responsibilities we have with each other. Being in relationship with humans is hard, whether its with parents, siblings, children, spouses, colleagues, peers or friends. People are inherently complicated and it is our nature to bump up against each other from time to time.
From the looks of things and conversations happening around me, a lot of us feel like we’ve been tossed through the spin cycle this past year. Between the endless toil trying to make ends meet and the heartwarming yet herculean task of raising a family or just being a member of one– we are all going through something. It’s the personal war we are all fighting. Whether its a battle with yourself or a conflict with someone else, no one is immune from the pain of living. I know that sounds negative, but very few people are living lives of pure joy. I’m in the camp that believes the pain makes the joy that much more precious.
While I sit with my own struggle, I want to take a moment to ask you to be good to yourself. The discomfort of interpersonal struggle reminds me that we are all in pain. There is great comfort in knowing that even as you read this, whether you know me and my struggle or not– I know that you understand pain, have your own story, and in this we are the same. My race, gender, sexual orientation, and invisible disability do not matter. My rightness or wrongness do not matter. We are united in our shared human condition. That simple fact helps me carry on doing the hard work of trying to unite races, reduce bias, educate, defend justice, and create change.
As I continue affecting positive change wherever I am invited, whether through a client contract or an energetic opening, I find myself in equal parts inspired and exhausted. The people who have seen my keynotes and presentations have likely heard me mention the importance of taking care of yourself. In this case, taking care of yourself means prioritizing your needs, that which brings you life, and filling up your energy tank so you can keep doing the good work that you do.
Work can be outside the home, inside the home, paid or unpaid. I try not to privilege how people spend their time as long as the aren’t hurting people. That’s another shortcut I use when my inner critic wants to creep into my head and whisper something judgmental about someone. That’s why if you’ve met me at a social event, I may have asked you how you “spend your time” instead of the worn out “So, what do you do?”
Can I tell you how much I despise that question? Maybe because my occupation is insanely complicated to explain and I have left people knowing less about what I do than before they asked. Maybe its because leading with an interrogative that the collective has decided is tantamount to “your job” reduces people to their nine-to-five or their occupation. So whatever “work” you do or however you spend your time, please don’t forget to balance those two things in such a way that one fuels the other. Because honestly, much of the time, my work fuels my energy for life. And I take my “free” time very seriously.
Why should you be good to yourself? Well, because you deserve it. I think its easier for me than some people because I spent my childhood being raised by a mother and seeing a grandmother who both took very good care of themselves. My mother still does. (Although I am on a campaign to upgrade her self-care standards. I want her to rest more! But I am not supposed to be critical about how others spend their time, I know. Ugh.)
The first thing I experienced was visual; I could see that the matriarchs in my family took care of their outward appearance and physical health. Life throws curveballs and mind/body/health challenges can take a prominent place in our struggle and pain in life. Nonetheless, my matriarchs persevered. I think the fact that they always looked and smelled clean, took time to accent their aesthetics with adornments that made them feel good, and were generally put together ways that represented what they had achieved and where they had arrived–from the days of scarcity to the days of abundance–it set a standard for how comfortable I am taking care of myself. It was always relative to where we were socioeconomically, but the self-esteem and care always shone through. My grandmother passed away over 20 years ago. Whether it was the family I inherited or the family that was chosen for me, the women in my life set a high bar.
These two women taught me what mani-pedis were. They taught me how to spa and how to shop. They also helped me grow into a halfway decent person (I hope and I try). So to this day, I get my spa on, I float, infrared sauna, hot yoga, chill yoga, read, write, pray, meditate, and spend time with people who leave me energized and filled with joy. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to shine your light. If you don’t have people who have inspired you or who currently encourage you to live your best life, I hope you can borrow my inspiration and have a fantastic year of self-care, self-love, healing, and joy.
First published on Huffington Post January 2018
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Here’s a link to five of my books and other fun things I’m up to.
Dr. Tiffany Jana (they/them) is the author of four books published by Berrett-Koehler Publishers. Overcoming Bias: Building Authentic Relationships across Differences is available everywhere books are sold. You can also earn 3 SHRM CEU credits for reading it.
Erasing Institutional Bias: How to Create Systemic Change for Organizational Inclusion is available everywhere books are sold. You can also earn 3 SHRM CEU credits for reading it.
The IPPY Award winning second edition of The B Corp Handbook: How to Use Business as a Force for Good is available everywhere books are sold. Read it only if you want your company to be part of the solution.
2020 Terry McAdam Book Award and getAbstract Reader’s Choice International Book of the Year Subtle Acts of Exclusion: How to Understand, Identify, and Stop Microaggressions is available everywhere books are sold. You can also earn 3 SHRM CEU credits for reading it.
